Today, I have a lot to say...

Having been offline for a number of days I have found myself missing this outlet. I have found myself wanting to write, wanting to put down into words what has been going on in my life and I haven't been able to. Perhaps I should revert back to old fashioned ways and keep a paperbased diary. It's strange, I'm not sure why I don't and why in fact, I choose to share what I am thinking at any given point in time, here, with anyone that could read it. And the conclusion that I reach? That I like the idea that anyone or no one could be reading my thoughts, my ramblings and I will never know. So, more than a week has gone by since I last had the chance to post, therefore today, I have a lot to say.

I'm going to start with stealing the work of a friend whose blog I follow. She asked herself some questions in a recent post and they got me to thinking, what would my answers be to those question. So, having thought about them for the last fews days, I'm going to try and answer them - and I say try, because actually, I don't think these questions will be all that easy to answer.

1. What do you love?

• My son. With all of my heart and all that I am I absolutely adore H. What I feel for him is more than I could even begin to put into words. If you have children (and I mean that in a completely non-condescending way to anyone that doesn't have children) you will understand what I mean. If you do not have children you will say you understand it, but truly you don't. There is nothing more powerful than the love a mother has for her child, it wasn't until he came into being that I realised what it was to absolutely and unselfishly love, wholeheartedly love, another person.
• My dog. The small ginger Poodle that has been part of my life and shared my bed every single day for the last 5 years. The average lifespan of a small Poodle is 17 years, that means that he should be part of my family until H is 14 years old - it terrifies me that when, inevitably, we lose this ginger fur ball, H is going to be even more devastated than I will be, because every day for his whole life H will have loved that damn dog!
• My job. For all that it brings to my life. The challenge, the rewards, the people. I love my job almost as much as I love and feel proud of the company that I work for.
• My house. The first place in 12 years that has felt like my home. There is still work to do, after a year in the place I still don't have curtains in my lounge, but undoubtedly it is home, mine and H's.
• My friends. The absolute and best group of people I could ever hope to know. There are three of them that I consider to be my "bests" and they, in all of their individual and quirky ways, are amazing and bring something so special to my life. I have known them for in excess of 20 years and for better or worse, they know me inside out and they still love me.
• My family. All of them irrevocably but most especially my sister, who over recent months has moved back from being just an older sister, to also being a best friend. Someone I can rely on, trust and confide in without judgement or fear. Someone whose company I enjoy more than most others.
• My bottom. The one part of my body that I do not have hangups about and do not hate. It's curvy, it's pert and I grew it all myself!!
• The sun. When the sun is shining and the weather is warm I want to be outside, enjoying the fresh air and letting the great outdoors move me to a better, happier, place.
• Tulips, Lillies and Gerbera's. My three favourite flowers. Lillies because they smell amazing and Tulips and Gerbera's because they are such simple and happy flowers.
• Music. Of all kinds. If ever there is music playing, inevitably I am a happier person.
• Books. Of the trashy chick lit kind. Or of fantasy worlds designed for teenagers that draw vivid pictures of wizards or vampires. Anything, essentially, that allows me to lose myself, absolutely and completely, in the world of someone else - but only where there world is, in the end, better than the one we live in.
• People. Somehow, someway, despite all of the crap that has hit me in my life, I still manage everyday to see the very best in people. To assume the best of people and to genuinely believe that until proven wrong, people are, at their core, good.
• Commas. My use of them is, beyond doubt, excessive!

2. What do you hate?

• Rudeness. Good manners and polite behaviour cost nothing and there is very little on this planet that drives me more wild than those that are just plain rude.
• Selfishness. Everyone is, I am, you are and so is everyone you know. What matters is how often you let that shine through and how often you push it back and think of someone else as being just slightly, for that moment, more important. I was faced recently with a situation where I had to choose between being really selfish and telling the truth to someone, or actually selfless and overlooking the truth. To me, that is something of a contradiction right there, but it was how it was and I chose not to tell that person the truth, because the truth would have hurt them more.
• Liars. They get found out. I do not lie, to all intents and purposes I am an honest person. If you ask my opinion you will get the truth, if you engage in conversation you will see who I am and if you ask me to lie for you 9 times out of 10 you will be told no. This is why the situation mentioned above was actually very difficult for me. As was the situation that had been ongoing that caused the above situation to occur.
• People that mess me around. If you want to be part of my life, be part of it, if you don't then tell me. Do not waste my time, mess me around and hurt me in the process.
• Negativity. It breeds.

3. What are you passionate about?

• Love. I am passionate about love, about not settling and about believing in the dream of something that is so great, I absolutely and cannot live without it in my life. I haven't found it yet, and at nearly 30 I am questioning if I will, but trust me when I tell you, I am having fun looking!
• Life. You have just one of them, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't actually last that long. Live it. Do not wish it away, do not wish for it to be different, do not wish for you to be different. Accept what you have and what you are, or change things.
• My son. What he will be and the person he will become. How I will help to shape that and what our relationship will be as he grows.

4. What do you really want?

• Absolute and complete happiness for H. I want for all of his dreams to be realised.
• Absolute and complete happiness for me. It wouldn't take much, all I want is a partner in the truest sense of the word, an equal, someone who challenges me, drives me to be better, keeps me on my toes and knows when to put his foot down. I want someone with whom there is so much chemistry we can't keep our hands off of each other and I want to be sickeningly in love. So actually, there is not a lot I really want!

5. What are two decisions you made in the past that have positively shaped your life? How did they change your life for the better? What finally got you to decide?
Decision 1: Deciding to have H. He was most certainly unplanned and out of the blue. His father didn't want me to have him at the beginning and I think that really shaped a lot of our future together, my trust in him dimished at a time when it couldn't really afford to and ultimately we fell apart.
I knew as soon as I knew I was pregnant, which was actually a little while before everyone thought that I knew, that I would be, to quote Madge, keeping my baby. It wasn't really a decision that I made, as much as one that was made for me, especially since 10 years previously I had chosen in the other direction.
How has that decision shaped my life? It hasn't shaped it so much as completely and utterly turned it upside down and changed it forever. I am now, and forever will be for as long as I live, a Mother. This means that I am no longer the most important person in my life and my health, wellbeing, welfare and happiness do not come above all else any longer. This means that regardless of how tired I am or how sick I feel if my son cries in the night it is my job, my responsibility and my pleasure to go to him and cuddle him until he falls back into a peaceful sleep. This means that I have made a person, a person who will grow into a man and in his own way, be it big or small, shape the world he lives in. This means I am proud, every damn day of my life.
Decision 2: The jury is still out on that one.

6. What are two new decisions that you are committed to making now, and how will they powerfully improve your life forever?
Decision 1: I will not settle. I will find someone who encompasses everything I want from a partner and if I do not I will spend the rest of my life having fun whilst looking. I will not settle, I will believe that I am worth it and that I deserve it. If I believe this then I will find it.
Decision 2: I will be a better person. Every day I will strive to be a better person than the day before. I will strive to be a better Mother and I will strive to be a better friend. I will be there for those that love me and/or need me and I will be trustworthy.

There. I told you I had a lot to say today!

But on the plus side, if you managed to get this far, you have found out more about me than most.