Love...

Well, I've had a very long break from the world of Blogs and oh, how things have changed! Something tells me that I won't return to doing this on a regular basis, at least I hope that I don't, because now I have someone that I can talk to, tell everything to, so instead of requiring this outlet I have someone to confide in who will share the ups and downs of life with me.

The situation is complicated at times, causes my insecurities to rise to the surface at times and causes me to feel selfish at times, but those times are few and far between. In the main the situation gives me total happiness, utter contentment and the posibility of a future that holds everything I have ever dreamed of.

So, a bit of the background. Despite my promises not to "settle and make do" I did just that, I returned to H's Dad, we got back together for a short period of time, just a year all told, and for the most part of it, in fact all bar about 2 months, I was not happy. I settled and I made do but I wasn't ever in love with him - I did all of this for my son, I had to try for H. And then, I met someone. Someone who encompassed everything I ever wanted, who could offer me the kind of love that I want from life and I had no choice but to follow that path.

The complicated aspect of the situation, this man (and I'll use his name because he's earnt far more than just an initial on my blog) is married. Yes that's right, I'm a living cliche, I'm in love with a married man. It goes against everything I believe in, I said that I would never date a man that had a girlfriend, but here I am head over heels in love with one that is married. Please don't judge me.

I should stress that he is not happily married. What's that I hear you cry? "Of course he's going to tell you that, that's what they all say... they will all tell you they are not happily married, that their wives don't understand them, that they don't have sex with their wives and that they will leave their wives for you" - These are my fears, my deepest, darkest fears, that despite my "gut feeling" that he is absolutely honest with me, I can't help but secretly be worried that he might just be pulling the wool over my eyes and I just don't want to see it. If something is a cliche, it's a cliche for a reason, there is usually truth there to begin with. But I want to trust that this man is different, that he is not like "every other man". If he isn't, if he hurts me, if he hasn't been honest with me then that will shatter my heart and my faith in people. So, if you want some explanation to that here it is, my gut feeling is that he is being truthful, but my intuition forces me to accept that I could be wrong. Actually that might not be the best explanation for the world because only he would understand that statement.

All of that said, I don't want to focus on the worry and the negative, I don't want the focus to be on the fact that I could get hurt. I have chosen, with this man, to open myself up absolutely to him. He knows me. He knows the best of me and the worst of me and still he chooses to love me. And I choose to believe that, to believe that what he tells me is honest, that we will be together. I choose to believe that I won't be proven wrong and that I can trust in my gut feeling.

He is an amazing man, he has been through so much in his life, much I can relate to and some that, try as hard as I might, I can't understand because it is, at its core, bad. I don't understand how someone who should have loved this man unconditionally, could have treated him in the way that they did, but even without understanding, I will offer him someone who will listen to him, hold him when he is upset and support him when things are difficult. And I will try to understand the way he feels about it and how, despite the way he was treated, he is able to forgive and if not forget, be magnanimous, and accept this person back into his life.

To overcome the things that he has experienced has clearly shaped him into the person he is today. He is kind; at his core he is a genuinely kind person. He is giving, he is open and he is unselfish. To be this type of person is difficult for anyone at the best of times, to grow into this kind of person without the right role models and background is astounding to me. He makes me a better person every single day.

Btw, he is also very handsome, I look at him and I wonder why on earth he would choose me and then I am glad, beyond glad, that he did.

So Paul also has children, two of them, one is the same age as H and the other is a few years older. He talks about them with such love that I know he is a great Father to them. He talks about our future together as a family, the two of us and our children, when he does this I know he is being honest with me. I am so excited to be part of the lives of two children, who I know beyond doubt will grow into kind, open and unselfish adults because of the role model they have in their Dad. I will love them, unconditionally and like my own, because they are part of him and I can't wait for that.

But above all of that, I will love him. I already do, in case it isn't obvious from my lyrical waxing of him! But I will continue to love him every single day for the rest of my life, I know beyond doubt. Now in my life I want nothing more than to make him happy.

I talked a lot through my Blog about finding someone who I can't bear to be apart from, who I can't walk past without touching or kissing, who challenges me, who excites me and who absolutely cherishes me. I have found that here. As I said, he makes me a better person every single day. He makes me WANT to talk to him, tell him how I am feeling, he makes it safe for me to do that, and I have never ever experienced that before. I have always been afraid of showing my true feelings before, of really talking and letting someone in, but I don't need to be afraid with him. And when I do that, when the truth that I tell him isn't even what he wants to hear, he still finds the grace to offer me reassurance and I can't tell you how much that helps me. Paraphrasing the lyrics of one of my favourite songs his grace helps me to remind me to find my own.

He has made me reassess my views of the world. I always had some strong and firm views on my future and what I would and wouldn't do: I always said that I would never enter into a financial commitment with another person again because I am the only person in life that I can rely on. I was convinced that I would never get married again because it doesn't actually make any difference to life. I have always been firmly of the mindset that I would never have any more children. Let me tell you how I have reassessed those views: He & I are talking about buying a house together, we have looked at some, I have fell in love with a couple of them, and I want, more than anything to build a home with this man. Now I could just offer him the option of moving into my house but I don't want that, we are equals and I want to be equal with him in everyway, I want to share everything with him and I don't need to be afraid of this because he and I are forever, I truly believe that. Just because I've never had that before, I shouldn't let that scare me away from believing I have it now, it only has to happen once afterall! I would say yes to marrying this man right this second if I could. I don't need to, because it won't change how we live our lives, I don't need to prove to anyone, not even him, how commited I am to him, but I WANT to celebrate how much I love him, I want to celebrate that with him and with all of the people that we love. I would have another child with this man, if he wanted it and we decided together that it was a good idea, then I would do it. I love the idea of someone who is made up of both of us. I don't exactly relish the propspect of pregnancy and if he didn't want more children then I would be happy with that as well, because we are enough for each other (especially with 3 kids between us already anyway!) but if he wanted it then I would definitely want it too. Not this week though!

As for right now, I am cherishing every single moment I get to spend with him or talk to him and wishing away the time so we can be together properly. I want him to tell his wife that he is leaving, I don't want another person to be hurt because of me, I feel bad that that will be the case, but selfishness prevails here and my happiness becomes more important to me than hers. I'm sorry because that sounds awful, but as always, I write the truth, not because I want any judgement from anyone, but because sometimes it just helps to talk.

On the plus side, I have found everything I have ever wanted and could ever want. My whole life's happiness is now firmly wrapped up in this man.