Now What...?

I am by myself this evening, the first time in a number of days that I have not spent the evening with Paul.

He has left his wife, or at least he has started the ball rolling, he's told her that he is leaving but technically doesn't have anywhere to go at the moment.

I don't think either of us realised that it would be now that the real work starts. It's difficult knowing that he has left but he still can't be with me properly, my situation doesn't allow for it to move that quickly. For me, I can't describe how I feel about the fact that he may still have to spend nights or days with her. When they were together and I couldn't expect anything else, I didn't like it but I could accept it. Now though I really don't like the thought of him spending the night with her. I'm not sure why and I don't know what I expect to happen - I trust him, I believe him and I know he loves me so what is my problem with it?

Maybe it is the fact that he is entirely unavailable to me when he is with her, he hasn't told her about us - understandably so, and thus can't communicate with me at all and I feel, I'm not sure how I feel, pushed to the side might be a good way to describe it. But I know that's not all of it. I wish I could identify better how I am feeling about it all, that might enable me to deal with it better.

Jealous? Maybe there is an element of jealousy, she has his time when I want it. Anger? I'm not angry I don't think, there's nothing in me that feels angry. Concern? There is definitely an element of concern, I'm not sure why, I don't doubt him, I don't think he will change his mind, but then I guess it worries me that he won't have a conversation with her in my presence. I know why, absolutely it's because of how he thinks it will make me feel & he's probably right, it will make me feel bad, and I think I would rather just be blissfully ignorant, which is not a path I would ever usually choose, so perhaps I need to feel a bit bad and deal with it. Uncertain? There is a lot of this, for instance he said he'd call tonight, he text instead to say he was staying at a friends, great news, but since then he's out of contact again, I try not to let my mind run into overdrive but due to past experience can't help it when it does. Then I feel bad because doubt creeps in. Impatience? I am definitely impatient. I cannot wait for the two of us to be together properly and to build our life together with our three beautiful children.

I so can't wait to meet them, I'm excited for the day when I can sit and build a massive lego set with H&H, for the day when I can go shopping with L and help her choose some lovely clothes, help her understand the importance of good skin care, pick out some make up with her and show her how to apply it properly. I can't wait for evenings when we can sit down in front of the fire, watch a real teenage cheesy chick flick, eat take away & chocolate and put face masks on while we paint our nails... all of these are the things that I look forward to in our lives together.

Am I idealising it, yes, of course I am. It's going to be difficult, there are going to be times, as the children hit their teenage years especially, that we will have turbulent days, but I look forward to facing that together, to dealing with it together and bring them through the other side of it with love, trust, openess and laughter.

I can see our lives, how they will look, and when I see them I can absolutely visualise the house that we will live in. We have looked already, we've found a stunning 4 storey town house, just along the road from where H goes to school, it has a huge basement kitchen/dining room & I just know that that will be the room, where as a family, we spend all of our time. Very casual, informal, warm and cosy. It will be as close to perfect as anything can be.

I deserve to be loved and I have found it, I have found this amazing, astounding, wonderful man who adores me. And I adore him. I feel like I am on the cusp of having every happiness I have ever dreamed of and all I need to do is be a little bit patient.

Patience doesn't come easily to me, but this man is worth it, more than worth it. I just have to try & not let myself feel, hope or doubt too much over the coming months. Does that self preservation cause me to appear distant? Perhaps it does. I wish I were capable of having total faith, I say I do, but I don't. When will that go away? When will I believe that I may, truly, have found someone who will always be there for me, be with me for the rest of our lives, love me unconditionally? I don't know the answer to that, I don't know how to make myself believe those things, especially when they were things that I had truly convinced myself I would never really have.

I wish someone could give me the answers. I'm not sure how to figure them out for myself. I certainly want to be that person who trusts and believes absolutely, but that awful doubt from my past creeps in.

On the plus side, he is VERY good at offering me the reassurance, even when I don't entirely realise that I need it.