The right to choose?...

I'm in something of a predicament. In fact, I'd call it more of a major fuck up than a predicament. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, all was going well, we were getting on swimmingly and both thought there was a possibility of a future and then I find out I am pregnant.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....

The difficulty of this situation is, for many reasons, relating to my health, problems following the birth of H, finances, living situations (he lives 110 miles away) job situations etc - the right thing for me to do is not to see the pregnancy through. Please do not judge me. I do not write here for judgement, I write here because I need an outlet. Especially now.

The most difficult part of this situation is that the guy absolutely, 100%, wants me to keep it. He thinks that we will be a lovely little happy family. I have now spent 24 solid hours listening to him cry on my shoulder, beg me to keep it, plead with me to reconsider, show me videos of scans, check out foetal development - the list goes on.

I feel terrible, I really do. I don't want to hurt him, that was never my intention, I want to make him happy but I will not bring a child into the world in order to make someone happy. That is not the right reason to have a baby.

What has absolutely exasperated this situation beyond all that is manageable by me is a letter from my solicitor. (we are in the process of bringing a claim against the hospital that treated me for H's birth as it is felt that they were negligent in their care and subsequently failed to diagnose and treat a severe injury) This letter had enclosed the first of many specialist reports that I am due to receive. The report brought back many painful memories of the last three years, and as I sat reading it, tears streaming down my face I became even more certain of the choice I have made.

It was clear from the report that any further pregnancies could have serious medical implications for me and that any instance of child birth could cause absolute and total incontinence. At 30 years old that is not a desired outcome.

What I didn't realise until reading the report, is that the extent of my injuries were more serious than even I realised. Now let me just quantify this by saying that when H was born I was told I was injured, the injury was described to me. For the subsequent 8 weeks all of the medical professionals that I saw stuck to that description. I then saw a specialist who told me that in fact my injury was far more severe and this would have been clear to the medical professionals that had treated me and in fact they were keeping quiet in order to "hope for the best" - am I instilling a sense of faith in the NHS yet?

Since this point I have undergone two extremely painful and invasive operations in order to repair the damage that only worsened because it was not identified at the time of delivery. One of these operations led to a stay in hospital that was longer than I would have received for open heart surgery - fun.

Even after all of this, even after seeing more specialists than I can shake a stick at, even after being so sick of hospitals I hope to never need one again for as long as I live, I was still not aware of the severity of my injuries. I was shocked by the report that I read.

I thought that it might help aforementioned man to understand my point of view better if I could explain in more detail the medical risks I would be opening myself up to and explain the severity of the injury described in the report. I tried this. He wasn't interested in listening. All he could say was, yes you've told me that. I'm sure it will be fine.

Where is the basis for that judgement?? The procedure that was carried out on me is rare, in fact it is so rare that it is documented as only having been carried out on 43 people in the UK in the last 10 years. It is also a one shot thing, the nature of the repair means that should it fail or symptoms worsen then there is nothing further that can be completed.

It is likely that as time goes on I will become more systematic than I am now. It is likely that my continence will worsen. That is not something I relish at such a young age. I cannot risk hurrying those events along by carrying another child. How could I?

Please can someone understand my point of view?

Oh and if you need any further convincing then consider these arguments as well. In my pregnancy with H I developed a condition called SPD - essentially my pelvis separated due to too much of the hormone "relaxin" being produced by my body. This caused insufferable pain that led me to barely be able to walk, in fact at one point I was expected to see out my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Luckily this only lasts for as long as you are pregnant as it is a pregnancy related hormone and I was fine again afterwards. With H I developed this at about 13 weeks and at 20 weeks I gave up work. I am currently just over 5 weeks with this pregnancy and I feel the pain already.

If it continues I will not be able to look after my son, I will not be able to take him to the park, lift him into the bath, take him in and out of the car. I will not be able to work for much longer as my job involves a lot of driving which is near impossible with SPD, if I cannot work I do not earn money to put a roof over mine and H's head.

In addition I live in a tiny (but lovely) 2 bed bungalow - no room for a baby. I do not want to move again as I don't want to uproot H.

I am a single mum to H, I cannot afford to maintain a house, keep him in nursery etc on maternity pay.

The list is just endless. But it ends with:

I am not ready for a baby. I am not ready to settle down with someone I have been dating for 2 months. I am not ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't know, right now, if I want to spend the rest of the week with. I do not want to bring another child into the world and have yet another failed relationship with its father. I hate every single day that me and H's Dad are not together - not because I love him but because that is the family I wanted for my son.

On the plus side, for what I imagine is the first time ever since I have blogged I entirely fail to see a plus side. Today I see rock bottom. In fact, scrap that, to quote the best TV show of all time, I see rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap and then me.