"Love" interests...

Well it's official, I've whittled the men in my life down to two.

Guy Number 4 - complete wash out, not for me at all. I did say I would introduce you to Guy Number 4 but to be honest, I really can't be bothered to waste my time, and words, on doing so.

Which leaves Guys 2 & 3.

Guy Number 3 is a no go for anything other than a bit of fun, he's getting too attached, far too quickly and I actually had to tell him on Thursday evening that if what he is looking for is a girlfriend then he is looking in the wrong place. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend at this point in time.

Guy Number 2 is a more tricky proposition, he's very nice, particularly pleasing on the eye and all the other great things that I've mentioned in previous posts etc, and for the first time tonight I felt that allusive chemistry, spark, however you want to put it. I went round to his this evening, he cooked me dinner (and he's a bloody good cook as well!!) we watched a film together, cuddled up on the sofa and it was really nice. He's actually just text me because he wanted to let me know that he really likes me - which is always nice to hear. I am beginning to wonder if there might be something real developing here. The same applies to him, I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now, but he's taking it really slow, doesn't appear to have any hidden issues and most importantly, he is a Dad, therefore he understands what it means to be a parent. But is it enough, or is it just another example of the settling, that I so faithfully promised myself I wouldn't do?

The other evening on the way home from work I found myself, for what is probably the first time ever, missing H's Dad. There's no going back, and I wouldn't want to go back, but I have never really allowed myself to grieve the loss of that relationship and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I really don't love him anymore, I know I am not over him. I miss how well he knows me, the humour we always had in our relationship, the banter that we were so good at and most of all, I miss the conversation. There has never been another person in my life that quite matches up to all of that. There was too much missing for it to work out with us, I know that for a fact, but whilst I ended it for the right reasons, I did it in the wrong way. I broke his heart and until I forgive myself for what happened between us, for the choices I made and the ways in which I acted, I can't really move on properly.

On the plus side, tomorrow is a new day and one in which I have a very important conversation planned - one that may change the course of my life.