D Day + 1...

Ok so yesterday was the day. I went, they scanned me again and I had miscarried the pregnancy. They went on to treat me because my body didn't seem capable of getting rid of it by itself, hence why the miscarriage was missed, so there was no real change to the plan as such.

Everything was fine, it was fairly easy and painless and it is all over with now. I feel a bit shit, but other than that I am fine. I just can't really decide how I feel about it all though, does that make sense?

I mean a couple of weeks ago I was set, I didn't want a baby, I absolutely didn't want any part of it, now I'm just not sure. Bit bloody late I hear you scream.

I'm still not sure that things with the Father are going anywhere, I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like everything we have been through over these last few weeks has just destroyed whatever potential we had - a bit dramatic I appreciate, but that's just how it feels. So I guess what happened was absolutely for the best, I still stand by not bringing a baby into the world when you are not settled and happy in your life and with your partner.

An old friend phoned tonight, someone who, I had to work hard to get over - whilst we didn't have anything serious I did feel a lot for him. Talking to him brought back feelings and memories, compounded even more by him saying: "If I had wanted to settle down (back when we were seeing each other) of course it would be with you, I would still want that with you now." I've no idea how that made me feel, but I do know that I felt guilty, that that conversation wasn't approrpiate or fair to the man who loves me enough to bring a child into the world with me.

Maybe it's me that was on the rebound this time around, maybe it was both of us, who the fuck knows.

All I do know is this: I really don't know where my head is at all, I don't know what I'm writing or even why I'm writing it. I'm going to go and get some horribly disgusting and unhealthy take away. I'm going to veg out in front of a shit film, and just do nothing. Healthy living starts again Monday.

On the plus side, I feel like clarity may be coming my way again, or at least I hope so.