D Day...

Tomorrow is the day when I go for the "treatment". I'm really not sure how I feel about that. I was quite set on what I wanted and how I wanted to approach the situation until I went for the first appointment last week and was told that there might not be a pregnancy - it would seem that they couldn't see anything on ultrasound, so they completed an internal ultrasound. All they could see on that was an empty gestational sac, there can be one of two reasons why that is the case, the first is that it was just too early in the pregnancy to see anything and the second is that the pregnancy just hadn't developed properly but my body was unaware of that fact.

For some reason knowing that I might have miscarried naturally has made it more difficult, to have that choice taken away makes it tough. Which doesn't make sense as I am certain that the father finds it makes it far easier.

Talking of him, things are not going so well. He's been a bit too much recently and I've let it get to me - mostly hormones I think, making me cranky, but also because I've come to this horrible realisation that perhaps it's not quite what I thought it was going to be. I am certain he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried to tell him that, but in a kind way, and it would seem that he isn't really getting it. He doesn't want to throw away what we have, but honestly I don't think we have anything. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but if I'm honest, and I am, I think this was a rebound thing for him. I think he is probably still in love with his previous girlfriend.

That is fine with me, I think mainly because I'm unsure if I will ever find someone that I want to settle down with again. I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog (and you will see the promise if you read back to some old posts) that I would never "settle" again and I stand by that. I want something spectacular - someone I can't keep my hands off of, someone whose company I can't get enough of, someone who challenges me, makes me better, makes me think more, doesn't just agree with me to please me. Someone who is strong, independent and doesn't need me, but wants me.

But you know what, I don't want that person yet - right now I'm still just enjoying being with me.

Tonight I had such a lovely evening with me, I indulged in a couple of real classic chick flicks, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Pretty Woman - interestingly, both films where the leading character is a call girl, I hadn't made the connection until just now! Maybe that's the answer, sell my body for sex and find the man of my dreams. Problem is I'm not sure anyone would pay for this slightly soft, post baby body!!!

Ah well.

On the plus side, this time tomorrow, one way or another, this will all be over with and I'll be back to feeling normal again. Or here's to hoping at least.