Hatred...

This is not an emotion I generally tend to associate with myself, most of my friends will testify that I always try to see the best in people, sometimes even to the point of naivety.

Right now I actually think I can say, hand on heart, that there is a person in my life I hate. I completely despise this person and I begrudge them the perfectly good air that they breathe.

Most would say, if you feel this way about a person then cut them from your life, easier said than done when this person is the father of your child.

I don't like the fact that I hate him. I really don't. I'd much rather have an amicable, friendly relationship with him, one that would be beneficial to H. But he is, without doubt, a c**t - and I don't really call people that.

I was explaining to a friend earlier that I can't even really tell you why I hate him, I can't put my finger on it. He is clever, he is devious, he is manipulative and by being these things he manages to twist and turn everything you say and do.

He is also controlling. When we were together he controlled me, I couldn't see it at the time but I was a mere shadow of the person I am now and I was before. I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my family, I wasn't allowed to have close relationships with my friends, I wasn't allowed photos of my friends in the house ffs. But he did all of this without it being very obvious he was doing it.

He simultaneously destroyed my confidence and built me into the sort of person I didn't want to be, the sort of person who thought first of themself. But I became this way because I had no choice, no that is weak, there is always a choice, I became this way because I couldn't see another way out.

He made me believe that I was physchologically unhinged, I mean seriously, he needs to look in the mirror.

He is arrogant, self serving and loathesome.

Quite often, I actually think I'd just like to punch him hard in the face, and being the sensible, kind and caring grown up woman I am, I have never punched anyone, hard or otherwise, anywhere.

How the hell do I deal with this? How do I break away from him? We have been separated for 9 months yet he is still controlling my life, by proxy he is controlling where I live, he has entirely controlled the decisions over my sons childcare, he has stolen from me, he has intimidated me, he has threatened me, he has, in short, bullied me.

Why is he like this? Why does a person act in such a way?

Doesn't he realise that actually the only person who will suffer from this in the long run is my son? His son.

I'm just out of options, I want to move far away from him but that's not possible. I want to never see him again. I want to never speak to him again, but that's not possible.

I need to take control back. I need to re-gain my sense of self, my sense of self worth. I need to take my life back. For me and for H. And I need to do it now.

On the plus side, at least I know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.

First (and last) dates...

I've really been putting myself out there, so to speak, on the dating scene recently. Guys 1 through 4 have all materialised into nothing, as per previous posts, so I figured it was time to get out there again and see what happens. It has been, to be blunt, what can only be described as an unmitigated disaster.

Not that these guys haven't been very nice, they have been, but it would seem that they don't seem to think the same of me...let me tell you about it.

Date 1 - The "older" guy. A lovely guy, 12 years my senior. We had a date nearly a fortnight ago, it went well, or so I thought. He was very pleasant, attractive and had all the pre-requisites that I put in place: Taller than me, attractive, ability to hold a conversation. (I don't ask for a lot!!) Prior to the date things were going very well, we were exchanging a number of texts etc, the date was good, we didn't run out of things to talk about, I even went back to his for coffee (just coffee), we exchanged a kiss when I left (an actual kiss, not just a kiss on the cheek). Since then, nada, nothing, zip, zilch.

Date 2 - We haven't actually had a date as yet, we have exchanged numbers and have been texting etc, a nice guy but not so tall (only a couple of inches taller than me - with my love of heels this could prove a problem). We are planning to go out later this month when he returns from a long weekend away.

Date 3 - Tonight's date. This was promising, 6'3", GORGEOUS, witty, intelligent, good job etc etc etc. The date could have had so much potential but for some reason it just didn't. It got off to a bad start, I was forty minutes late - yeah, yeah, I know, I'm always late. But even for me this was bad. I arrived at the pub that we were due to meet at, he met me outside and again, I thought: WOW, gorgeous. Immediately I was on a back foot, the old self doubt kicked in and I thought, what on earth is he doing on a date with me. As such, I spent the evening feeling as though I was batting outside of my league. I know, realistically speaking, that I am not batting out of my league with this guy, but I just couldn't help myself thinking that. Because of this I was nervous, I rambled, my eye contact was so lacking that even I noticed it. Eventually we just ran out of things to discuss. I went on and on about work and just kept trying to fill the silence. Rookie mistake. He was eternally polite, he even walked me to my car, kiss on the cheek, the obligitory thanks, it was nice to meet you etc and that was it. I will never hear from him again. That much is certain. Damnit, and it could have had real potential.

That's it for me on the dating scene for a while I think, I need a break.

On the plus side, is there a plus side to this story because I'm struggling to find one. Help?