Regret?...

***WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS UNPLEASANT INFORMATION***

I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Today I have hosted a baby shower for my best friend, something that has been being organised for some time, it couldn't have come at a worst time.

Prior to the party I made the decision to end things with the man I have been with, it seemed like the fairest thing for him. I felt like I was messing him around and holding him back from life and I don't want to do that. I don't know if it was the right decision, I might not know that until it's too late I guess.

I feel awful for hurting him, he has been through enough over the last year or so, he didn't need more from me - especially when I know he didn't expect it of me. I feel that I have let him down and I hate that feeling. I care so much for him, as a friend as well as anything else, I just don't think I can offer him what he needs or wants from life.

To make matters worse whilst at the baby shower today I miscarried the pregnancy. What a bad time. I thought that I got off lightly and things were over with easily the other day, clearly they weren't.

***HERE COMES THE TOO MUCH INFORMATION SECTION***

I felt myself start to bleed again, and I literally poured blood for about an hour, I had to change sanitary products about 4 times in that hour. On the last change I saw the pregnancy, I saw the gestational sac and the embryo inside of it. Oh God it's torn me up. I feel like I'm in shock, I can't really think, I can't really speak. Worst of all, I'm apparently incapable of crying because I just feel like I deserve this. The pain was quite severe, nothing I couldn't cope with, and I just had to keep pushing on through and serving everyone drinks and playing games relating to the mother-to-be. I feel sick. I hate what I have done and I am filled with regret. You're not supposed to see anything, they specifically told me when they treated me that I wouldn't see anything, that it would just be clots and blood. Well clearly the clots and blood had all gone, leaving just the pregnancy.

I'm a terrible person. How could I do this? This would have been my child, I am convinced, my daughter.

I know, sensibly and logically, there is no use thinking these things because the pregnancy had already died, but I cannot help it.

On the plus side, not today - I'm not doing a plus side today.