Regret?...

***WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS UNPLEASANT INFORMATION***

I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Today I have hosted a baby shower for my best friend, something that has been being organised for some time, it couldn't have come at a worst time.

Prior to the party I made the decision to end things with the man I have been with, it seemed like the fairest thing for him. I felt like I was messing him around and holding him back from life and I don't want to do that. I don't know if it was the right decision, I might not know that until it's too late I guess.

I feel awful for hurting him, he has been through enough over the last year or so, he didn't need more from me - especially when I know he didn't expect it of me. I feel that I have let him down and I hate that feeling. I care so much for him, as a friend as well as anything else, I just don't think I can offer him what he needs or wants from life.

To make matters worse whilst at the baby shower today I miscarried the pregnancy. What a bad time. I thought that I got off lightly and things were over with easily the other day, clearly they weren't.

***HERE COMES THE TOO MUCH INFORMATION SECTION***

I felt myself start to bleed again, and I literally poured blood for about an hour, I had to change sanitary products about 4 times in that hour. On the last change I saw the pregnancy, I saw the gestational sac and the embryo inside of it. Oh God it's torn me up. I feel like I'm in shock, I can't really think, I can't really speak. Worst of all, I'm apparently incapable of crying because I just feel like I deserve this. The pain was quite severe, nothing I couldn't cope with, and I just had to keep pushing on through and serving everyone drinks and playing games relating to the mother-to-be. I feel sick. I hate what I have done and I am filled with regret. You're not supposed to see anything, they specifically told me when they treated me that I wouldn't see anything, that it would just be clots and blood. Well clearly the clots and blood had all gone, leaving just the pregnancy.

I'm a terrible person. How could I do this? This would have been my child, I am convinced, my daughter.

I know, sensibly and logically, there is no use thinking these things because the pregnancy had already died, but I cannot help it.

On the plus side, not today - I'm not doing a plus side today.

D Day + 1...

Ok so yesterday was the day. I went, they scanned me again and I had miscarried the pregnancy. They went on to treat me because my body didn't seem capable of getting rid of it by itself, hence why the miscarriage was missed, so there was no real change to the plan as such.

Everything was fine, it was fairly easy and painless and it is all over with now. I feel a bit shit, but other than that I am fine. I just can't really decide how I feel about it all though, does that make sense?

I mean a couple of weeks ago I was set, I didn't want a baby, I absolutely didn't want any part of it, now I'm just not sure. Bit bloody late I hear you scream.

I'm still not sure that things with the Father are going anywhere, I just don't feel anything anymore, it's like everything we have been through over these last few weeks has just destroyed whatever potential we had - a bit dramatic I appreciate, but that's just how it feels. So I guess what happened was absolutely for the best, I still stand by not bringing a baby into the world when you are not settled and happy in your life and with your partner.

An old friend phoned tonight, someone who, I had to work hard to get over - whilst we didn't have anything serious I did feel a lot for him. Talking to him brought back feelings and memories, compounded even more by him saying: "If I had wanted to settle down (back when we were seeing each other) of course it would be with you, I would still want that with you now." I've no idea how that made me feel, but I do know that I felt guilty, that that conversation wasn't approrpiate or fair to the man who loves me enough to bring a child into the world with me.

Maybe it's me that was on the rebound this time around, maybe it was both of us, who the fuck knows.

All I do know is this: I really don't know where my head is at all, I don't know what I'm writing or even why I'm writing it. I'm going to go and get some horribly disgusting and unhealthy take away. I'm going to veg out in front of a shit film, and just do nothing. Healthy living starts again Monday.

On the plus side, I feel like clarity may be coming my way again, or at least I hope so.

D Day...

Tomorrow is the day when I go for the "treatment". I'm really not sure how I feel about that. I was quite set on what I wanted and how I wanted to approach the situation until I went for the first appointment last week and was told that there might not be a pregnancy - it would seem that they couldn't see anything on ultrasound, so they completed an internal ultrasound. All they could see on that was an empty gestational sac, there can be one of two reasons why that is the case, the first is that it was just too early in the pregnancy to see anything and the second is that the pregnancy just hadn't developed properly but my body was unaware of that fact.

For some reason knowing that I might have miscarried naturally has made it more difficult, to have that choice taken away makes it tough. Which doesn't make sense as I am certain that the father finds it makes it far easier.

Talking of him, things are not going so well. He's been a bit too much recently and I've let it get to me - mostly hormones I think, making me cranky, but also because I've come to this horrible realisation that perhaps it's not quite what I thought it was going to be. I am certain he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried to tell him that, but in a kind way, and it would seem that he isn't really getting it. He doesn't want to throw away what we have, but honestly I don't think we have anything. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but if I'm honest, and I am, I think this was a rebound thing for him. I think he is probably still in love with his previous girlfriend.

That is fine with me, I think mainly because I'm unsure if I will ever find someone that I want to settle down with again. I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog (and you will see the promise if you read back to some old posts) that I would never "settle" again and I stand by that. I want something spectacular - someone I can't keep my hands off of, someone whose company I can't get enough of, someone who challenges me, makes me better, makes me think more, doesn't just agree with me to please me. Someone who is strong, independent and doesn't need me, but wants me.

But you know what, I don't want that person yet - right now I'm still just enjoying being with me.

Tonight I had such a lovely evening with me, I indulged in a couple of real classic chick flicks, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Pretty Woman - interestingly, both films where the leading character is a call girl, I hadn't made the connection until just now! Maybe that's the answer, sell my body for sex and find the man of my dreams. Problem is I'm not sure anyone would pay for this slightly soft, post baby body!!!

Ah well.

On the plus side, this time tomorrow, one way or another, this will all be over with and I'll be back to feeling normal again. Or here's to hoping at least.

The right to choose?...

I'm in something of a predicament. In fact, I'd call it more of a major fuck up than a predicament. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, all was going well, we were getting on swimmingly and both thought there was a possibility of a future and then I find out I am pregnant.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....

The difficulty of this situation is, for many reasons, relating to my health, problems following the birth of H, finances, living situations (he lives 110 miles away) job situations etc - the right thing for me to do is not to see the pregnancy through. Please do not judge me. I do not write here for judgement, I write here because I need an outlet. Especially now.

The most difficult part of this situation is that the guy absolutely, 100%, wants me to keep it. He thinks that we will be a lovely little happy family. I have now spent 24 solid hours listening to him cry on my shoulder, beg me to keep it, plead with me to reconsider, show me videos of scans, check out foetal development - the list goes on.

I feel terrible, I really do. I don't want to hurt him, that was never my intention, I want to make him happy but I will not bring a child into the world in order to make someone happy. That is not the right reason to have a baby.

What has absolutely exasperated this situation beyond all that is manageable by me is a letter from my solicitor. (we are in the process of bringing a claim against the hospital that treated me for H's birth as it is felt that they were negligent in their care and subsequently failed to diagnose and treat a severe injury) This letter had enclosed the first of many specialist reports that I am due to receive. The report brought back many painful memories of the last three years, and as I sat reading it, tears streaming down my face I became even more certain of the choice I have made.

It was clear from the report that any further pregnancies could have serious medical implications for me and that any instance of child birth could cause absolute and total incontinence. At 30 years old that is not a desired outcome.

What I didn't realise until reading the report, is that the extent of my injuries were more serious than even I realised. Now let me just quantify this by saying that when H was born I was told I was injured, the injury was described to me. For the subsequent 8 weeks all of the medical professionals that I saw stuck to that description. I then saw a specialist who told me that in fact my injury was far more severe and this would have been clear to the medical professionals that had treated me and in fact they were keeping quiet in order to "hope for the best" - am I instilling a sense of faith in the NHS yet?

Since this point I have undergone two extremely painful and invasive operations in order to repair the damage that only worsened because it was not identified at the time of delivery. One of these operations led to a stay in hospital that was longer than I would have received for open heart surgery - fun.

Even after all of this, even after seeing more specialists than I can shake a stick at, even after being so sick of hospitals I hope to never need one again for as long as I live, I was still not aware of the severity of my injuries. I was shocked by the report that I read.

I thought that it might help aforementioned man to understand my point of view better if I could explain in more detail the medical risks I would be opening myself up to and explain the severity of the injury described in the report. I tried this. He wasn't interested in listening. All he could say was, yes you've told me that. I'm sure it will be fine.

Where is the basis for that judgement?? The procedure that was carried out on me is rare, in fact it is so rare that it is documented as only having been carried out on 43 people in the UK in the last 10 years. It is also a one shot thing, the nature of the repair means that should it fail or symptoms worsen then there is nothing further that can be completed.

It is likely that as time goes on I will become more systematic than I am now. It is likely that my continence will worsen. That is not something I relish at such a young age. I cannot risk hurrying those events along by carrying another child. How could I?

Please can someone understand my point of view?

Oh and if you need any further convincing then consider these arguments as well. In my pregnancy with H I developed a condition called SPD - essentially my pelvis separated due to too much of the hormone "relaxin" being produced by my body. This caused insufferable pain that led me to barely be able to walk, in fact at one point I was expected to see out my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Luckily this only lasts for as long as you are pregnant as it is a pregnancy related hormone and I was fine again afterwards. With H I developed this at about 13 weeks and at 20 weeks I gave up work. I am currently just over 5 weeks with this pregnancy and I feel the pain already.

If it continues I will not be able to look after my son, I will not be able to take him to the park, lift him into the bath, take him in and out of the car. I will not be able to work for much longer as my job involves a lot of driving which is near impossible with SPD, if I cannot work I do not earn money to put a roof over mine and H's head.

In addition I live in a tiny (but lovely) 2 bed bungalow - no room for a baby. I do not want to move again as I don't want to uproot H.

I am a single mum to H, I cannot afford to maintain a house, keep him in nursery etc on maternity pay.

The list is just endless. But it ends with:

I am not ready for a baby. I am not ready to settle down with someone I have been dating for 2 months. I am not ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't know, right now, if I want to spend the rest of the week with. I do not want to bring another child into the world and have yet another failed relationship with its father. I hate every single day that me and H's Dad are not together - not because I love him but because that is the family I wanted for my son.

On the plus side, for what I imagine is the first time ever since I have blogged I entirely fail to see a plus side. Today I see rock bottom. In fact, scrap that, to quote the best TV show of all time, I see rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap and then me.

Now What...?

I am by myself this evening, the first time in a number of days that I have not spent the evening with Paul.

He has left his wife, or at least he has started the ball rolling, he's told her that he is leaving but technically doesn't have anywhere to go at the moment.

I don't think either of us realised that it would be now that the real work starts. It's difficult knowing that he has left but he still can't be with me properly, my situation doesn't allow for it to move that quickly. For me, I can't describe how I feel about the fact that he may still have to spend nights or days with her. When they were together and I couldn't expect anything else, I didn't like it but I could accept it. Now though I really don't like the thought of him spending the night with her. I'm not sure why and I don't know what I expect to happen - I trust him, I believe him and I know he loves me so what is my problem with it?

Maybe it is the fact that he is entirely unavailable to me when he is with her, he hasn't told her about us - understandably so, and thus can't communicate with me at all and I feel, I'm not sure how I feel, pushed to the side might be a good way to describe it. But I know that's not all of it. I wish I could identify better how I am feeling about it all, that might enable me to deal with it better.

Jealous? Maybe there is an element of jealousy, she has his time when I want it. Anger? I'm not angry I don't think, there's nothing in me that feels angry. Concern? There is definitely an element of concern, I'm not sure why, I don't doubt him, I don't think he will change his mind, but then I guess it worries me that he won't have a conversation with her in my presence. I know why, absolutely it's because of how he thinks it will make me feel & he's probably right, it will make me feel bad, and I think I would rather just be blissfully ignorant, which is not a path I would ever usually choose, so perhaps I need to feel a bit bad and deal with it. Uncertain? There is a lot of this, for instance he said he'd call tonight, he text instead to say he was staying at a friends, great news, but since then he's out of contact again, I try not to let my mind run into overdrive but due to past experience can't help it when it does. Then I feel bad because doubt creeps in. Impatience? I am definitely impatient. I cannot wait for the two of us to be together properly and to build our life together with our three beautiful children.

I so can't wait to meet them, I'm excited for the day when I can sit and build a massive lego set with H&H, for the day when I can go shopping with L and help her choose some lovely clothes, help her understand the importance of good skin care, pick out some make up with her and show her how to apply it properly. I can't wait for evenings when we can sit down in front of the fire, watch a real teenage cheesy chick flick, eat take away & chocolate and put face masks on while we paint our nails... all of these are the things that I look forward to in our lives together.

Am I idealising it, yes, of course I am. It's going to be difficult, there are going to be times, as the children hit their teenage years especially, that we will have turbulent days, but I look forward to facing that together, to dealing with it together and bring them through the other side of it with love, trust, openess and laughter.

I can see our lives, how they will look, and when I see them I can absolutely visualise the house that we will live in. We have looked already, we've found a stunning 4 storey town house, just along the road from where H goes to school, it has a huge basement kitchen/dining room & I just know that that will be the room, where as a family, we spend all of our time. Very casual, informal, warm and cosy. It will be as close to perfect as anything can be.

I deserve to be loved and I have found it, I have found this amazing, astounding, wonderful man who adores me. And I adore him. I feel like I am on the cusp of having every happiness I have ever dreamed of and all I need to do is be a little bit patient.

Patience doesn't come easily to me, but this man is worth it, more than worth it. I just have to try & not let myself feel, hope or doubt too much over the coming months. Does that self preservation cause me to appear distant? Perhaps it does. I wish I were capable of having total faith, I say I do, but I don't. When will that go away? When will I believe that I may, truly, have found someone who will always be there for me, be with me for the rest of our lives, love me unconditionally? I don't know the answer to that, I don't know how to make myself believe those things, especially when they were things that I had truly convinced myself I would never really have.

I wish someone could give me the answers. I'm not sure how to figure them out for myself. I certainly want to be that person who trusts and believes absolutely, but that awful doubt from my past creeps in.

On the plus side, he is VERY good at offering me the reassurance, even when I don't entirely realise that I need it.

Love...

Well, I've had a very long break from the world of Blogs and oh, how things have changed! Something tells me that I won't return to doing this on a regular basis, at least I hope that I don't, because now I have someone that I can talk to, tell everything to, so instead of requiring this outlet I have someone to confide in who will share the ups and downs of life with me.

The situation is complicated at times, causes my insecurities to rise to the surface at times and causes me to feel selfish at times, but those times are few and far between. In the main the situation gives me total happiness, utter contentment and the posibility of a future that holds everything I have ever dreamed of.

So, a bit of the background. Despite my promises not to "settle and make do" I did just that, I returned to H's Dad, we got back together for a short period of time, just a year all told, and for the most part of it, in fact all bar about 2 months, I was not happy. I settled and I made do but I wasn't ever in love with him - I did all of this for my son, I had to try for H. And then, I met someone. Someone who encompassed everything I ever wanted, who could offer me the kind of love that I want from life and I had no choice but to follow that path.

The complicated aspect of the situation, this man (and I'll use his name because he's earnt far more than just an initial on my blog) is married. Yes that's right, I'm a living cliche, I'm in love with a married man. It goes against everything I believe in, I said that I would never date a man that had a girlfriend, but here I am head over heels in love with one that is married. Please don't judge me.

I should stress that he is not happily married. What's that I hear you cry? "Of course he's going to tell you that, that's what they all say... they will all tell you they are not happily married, that their wives don't understand them, that they don't have sex with their wives and that they will leave their wives for you" - These are my fears, my deepest, darkest fears, that despite my "gut feeling" that he is absolutely honest with me, I can't help but secretly be worried that he might just be pulling the wool over my eyes and I just don't want to see it. If something is a cliche, it's a cliche for a reason, there is usually truth there to begin with. But I want to trust that this man is different, that he is not like "every other man". If he isn't, if he hurts me, if he hasn't been honest with me then that will shatter my heart and my faith in people. So, if you want some explanation to that here it is, my gut feeling is that he is being truthful, but my intuition forces me to accept that I could be wrong. Actually that might not be the best explanation for the world because only he would understand that statement.

All of that said, I don't want to focus on the worry and the negative, I don't want the focus to be on the fact that I could get hurt. I have chosen, with this man, to open myself up absolutely to him. He knows me. He knows the best of me and the worst of me and still he chooses to love me. And I choose to believe that, to believe that what he tells me is honest, that we will be together. I choose to believe that I won't be proven wrong and that I can trust in my gut feeling.

He is an amazing man, he has been through so much in his life, much I can relate to and some that, try as hard as I might, I can't understand because it is, at its core, bad. I don't understand how someone who should have loved this man unconditionally, could have treated him in the way that they did, but even without understanding, I will offer him someone who will listen to him, hold him when he is upset and support him when things are difficult. And I will try to understand the way he feels about it and how, despite the way he was treated, he is able to forgive and if not forget, be magnanimous, and accept this person back into his life.

To overcome the things that he has experienced has clearly shaped him into the person he is today. He is kind; at his core he is a genuinely kind person. He is giving, he is open and he is unselfish. To be this type of person is difficult for anyone at the best of times, to grow into this kind of person without the right role models and background is astounding to me. He makes me a better person every single day.

Btw, he is also very handsome, I look at him and I wonder why on earth he would choose me and then I am glad, beyond glad, that he did.

So Paul also has children, two of them, one is the same age as H and the other is a few years older. He talks about them with such love that I know he is a great Father to them. He talks about our future together as a family, the two of us and our children, when he does this I know he is being honest with me. I am so excited to be part of the lives of two children, who I know beyond doubt will grow into kind, open and unselfish adults because of the role model they have in their Dad. I will love them, unconditionally and like my own, because they are part of him and I can't wait for that.

But above all of that, I will love him. I already do, in case it isn't obvious from my lyrical waxing of him! But I will continue to love him every single day for the rest of my life, I know beyond doubt. Now in my life I want nothing more than to make him happy.

I talked a lot through my Blog about finding someone who I can't bear to be apart from, who I can't walk past without touching or kissing, who challenges me, who excites me and who absolutely cherishes me. I have found that here. As I said, he makes me a better person every single day. He makes me WANT to talk to him, tell him how I am feeling, he makes it safe for me to do that, and I have never ever experienced that before. I have always been afraid of showing my true feelings before, of really talking and letting someone in, but I don't need to be afraid with him. And when I do that, when the truth that I tell him isn't even what he wants to hear, he still finds the grace to offer me reassurance and I can't tell you how much that helps me. Paraphrasing the lyrics of one of my favourite songs his grace helps me to remind me to find my own.

He has made me reassess my views of the world. I always had some strong and firm views on my future and what I would and wouldn't do: I always said that I would never enter into a financial commitment with another person again because I am the only person in life that I can rely on. I was convinced that I would never get married again because it doesn't actually make any difference to life. I have always been firmly of the mindset that I would never have any more children. Let me tell you how I have reassessed those views: He & I are talking about buying a house together, we have looked at some, I have fell in love with a couple of them, and I want, more than anything to build a home with this man. Now I could just offer him the option of moving into my house but I don't want that, we are equals and I want to be equal with him in everyway, I want to share everything with him and I don't need to be afraid of this because he and I are forever, I truly believe that. Just because I've never had that before, I shouldn't let that scare me away from believing I have it now, it only has to happen once afterall! I would say yes to marrying this man right this second if I could. I don't need to, because it won't change how we live our lives, I don't need to prove to anyone, not even him, how commited I am to him, but I WANT to celebrate how much I love him, I want to celebrate that with him and with all of the people that we love. I would have another child with this man, if he wanted it and we decided together that it was a good idea, then I would do it. I love the idea of someone who is made up of both of us. I don't exactly relish the propspect of pregnancy and if he didn't want more children then I would be happy with that as well, because we are enough for each other (especially with 3 kids between us already anyway!) but if he wanted it then I would definitely want it too. Not this week though!

As for right now, I am cherishing every single moment I get to spend with him or talk to him and wishing away the time so we can be together properly. I want him to tell his wife that he is leaving, I don't want another person to be hurt because of me, I feel bad that that will be the case, but selfishness prevails here and my happiness becomes more important to me than hers. I'm sorry because that sounds awful, but as always, I write the truth, not because I want any judgement from anyone, but because sometimes it just helps to talk.

On the plus side, I have found everything I have ever wanted and could ever want. My whole life's happiness is now firmly wrapped up in this man.

Families suck...

I've had a really emotional day today. I think I have PMT, at least I hope I do, or I have real problems.

It was H's birthday on Friday and I took the day off work with him. We went to a play farm and then I arranged a visit to a police car whereby he got to turn the sirens and lights on, he loved it. His Dad then had him for the weekend so I didn't get to see him on Saturday or Sunday and picked him up again this evening.

Bearing all of this in mind none of my friends or family got to see H over the weekend, what I found more than a bit disappointing though was that no one called or text me on his birthday, no one put a card through the letter box, no one called in on his birthday or over the weekend.

So what really brought it all to light today, which is why I have had an emotional day, was that my Dad popped round. He arrived, said hello and that he was popping in for a quick cuppa etc, we chatted for about 10 minutes when I asked if he'd forgotten anything, he said no to which I replied "Your Grandsons Birthday?"..

Yes - he'd forgotten.

When he left I got quite down and teary and proceeded to send rather emotional texts to my two best friends and my brother in law, advising them that they were a bit crap.

In their defence they did all come through for H in the end, but since when did it become acceptable to forget a 3 year olds birthday?

On the plus side, I went out and bought him a new bike because I felt that everyone else had really let him down - his little face just lit up when I saw it. He makes my life worthwhile.