A conversation with someone who is rapidly becoming a very good friend...

Tonight I have had a very open and honest conversation with a woman who is quickly becoming a very good friend. I don't know what made me tell her all that I did, why I picked her when no one else in my life has ever been told this, or why that conversation took place over msn, but it happened, and it made me realise that what I had said was true - sometimes the tears are cathartic.

The transcript of the conversation is below: Please don't judge me.

She says:
You’ve been in an abusive relationship?

I say:
Of sorts

She says:
?

I say:
Two really
One similar but not nearly as severe as the one you have just described and one very different but still what could be termed as abusive

She says:
Did you get past them?

I say:
The first, yes, very much so, the second, no - even 12 years later that still holds a lot of regrets for me and is one of the two very distinct reasons that I do not trust men
And also a lot of the reason that I do not/did not open up to people
I don't have an issue talking about it, should you want/have any interest at all in hearing it, but I would warn you to think carefully before you answer, it could very well change your opinion of me

She says:
Tell me... please... if it's not too hard.

I say:
Well, to be fair, the story doesn't really relate to the "relationship"
And I put relationship in inverted commas because I was 17 and it really wasn't a relationship
He was older, a friend of a friend
For some bizarre reason I fell head over heels for him, totally and ridiculously besotted
Despite the fact that in hindsight, it was patently obvious he had a serious girlfriend and I was just a young piece of fun
He treated me like crap, absolute and utter rubbish
But the shortened version of events - actually it's not even a shortened version of events, it's essentially all I remember, and I think it was a time in my life that I have subsequently blocked out
Was that through sheer stupidity on my part, I found myself pregnant, I was in college, doing my A levels and my period was late, I took a test and it returned positive
I was living with my dad at the time, my mum and I weren't getting on and she had essentially kicked me out and told me to go and live with my father
I told my Mum and naturally she told me I had to "take care" of it
I told my sister and she was fabulous - one of the many reasons she is one of my best friends
And I told two friends, they were the only people in my life that knew
My Mum, she told my Dad what was going on
And she told him that I would be "taking care" of it
My step mother, when she found out, was drunk (she had and probably still has, for all I know and care) a serious drinking problem
She proceeded to get a carving knife from the kitchen drawer, threaten me with it whilst calling me a horrible little slut
My dad stood and watched
I left the next day
Went to my mum's, who naturally took me back
I then told the guy, who proceeded to tell me that he wanted nothing more to do with me and if I didn't get rid of it he would throw me down a flight of stairs - nice guy it turned out!
For some stupid reason I thought this guy might actually be pleased (ah the innocence and stupidity of youth) I thought that we would be together blah blah blah
Well anyway
After all of this happened, and lots in between, I'm sure
I saw the doctor, got a referral to hospital and when I was about 11 weeks gone I had an abortion

She says:
“ ”

I say:
The hospital were awful
They stuck me in a side room; the nurses were judgemental and cruel to me
I was in overnight
My sister stayed with me the whole time
And the day afterwards, I was a wreck, complete and utter
A nurse came into me and told me, "right, you need to have the contraceptive injection before we let you go home, we don't want you getting in any more situations like this do we"
Like I did that all the time
I then went through what was probably the hardest 6 months of my life, I spiralled into what I can see in hindsight, was probably a depression of sorts
I dropped out of college (this is the true reason I quit my A levels - not the bullshit reason I feed to most people)
Threw away my future plans which were to go to Uni and qualify to become a solicitor
And essentially ended up with nothing particularly good in my life
The two friends I told judged me, both are still two of my best friends to this day, but both said and still say to this day, that they do not agree with abortion and would never do it
They add the normal "but it was the right thing for you comment"
But it still feels like a very personal dig
In fact, one of them said something just this week that had me leave their house, get in my car, and end up in tears
Not because she meant to, not because she thinks less of me for it, this I know when I think about it logically, but it still affects me because it's something I have never forgiven myself for
I still remember the date it happened, the scan I had, the date the baby would have been born
Now don't get me wrong, I do not regret my decision, it was the right thing for me and to take the other path would have been madness
But it doesn't make it easy to deal with
So, that happened and then a few years later I found out that I had the first stages of cervical cancer and severe endometriosis
At that point I was told I had a less than 25% chance of ever conceiving a child and if I did I would never carry a pregnancy to term (because they had to remove quite a lot of my cervix)
I then went very downhill again; it felt like a punishment for what I had done when I was 17
So, Henry, he's my little miracle
And that's it.
As I say, there was another one, similar to what you described but far less severe
But it was that, that and a lot of the history with my dad, which causes the issues I have

She says:
You are amazing

I say:
No, I'm not, I was a stupid, young girl
But I'll never forgive him, or myself. It's taken me 11 years to get my faith back in people, to believe the best in people again and to learn to open up again

She says:
Yeah, you are. And even as a young girl, I don't imagine you were stupid. We all at one point or another get ourselves into situations we regret. It's what happens next that matters

I say:
And I was stupid, because I should have known that he was just having a bit of fun
But thanks to him I have never, ever trusted anyone properly that I've been with since


On the plus side, talking about it, for the first time in more years than I care to remember helped.