Recovering...

So it's official, I am a total wimp.

All that fuss and worry about the hospital visit - not entirely necessary. I am home. I am, if not well, drugged up to my eyeballs; so coping. I am being looked after: Much to my annoyance.

On the plus side, I have fabulous friends.

The best wake up call...

This morning I woke up to find H in bed beside me It would seem that my darling two year old, who has just gone into a "big boy" bed, found his way out of his bed last night and into mine - all without waking me up. I know this is a habit I need to work hard to discourage, but I have to say that waking up to find the most gorgeous blonde boy in the world cuddled up to me eased a lot of the loneliness I have been feeling lately.

Suffice to say, my day started well.

As the day deteriorated rapidly I tried hard to remember the feeling of waking up to see H, right now I'm struggling.

In 48 hours I will be in hospital recovering from an operation, the second operation to fix a problem the bloody hospital caused in the first place - I am scared. I am scared about the pain, I am scared about the recovery, I am scared that the things I have worked so hard for over recent months will dwindle whilst I am recovering and I am scared about how I will cope with a two year old following the operation.

It is times like this when I think that my life would be easier if I hadn't decided that separating from H's dad was the right thing to do.

On the plus side, my house is, and remains constantly, clean and tidy because I don't have to live with a lazy slob of a man.

Terrified...

Often I avoid the issue. I skirt around it, change the topic or ramble about other things - see my previous post for "other things".

I shall come to the point. I am writing this because I find myself in a place where I am terrified. I do not tend to let my weaknesses show very often, I rarely cry and I rarely allow myself to feel scared or lonely. I can't stop any of it at the moment.

I am scared of the following:
1. A necessary operation in two days time
2. Recuperating after said operation whilst looking after a two year old - how does that work?
3. Finishing all of the work I need to get finished before said operation
4. Getting hurt - and I deleted the rest of it because I can't find the words at the moment.

I am lonely because of a lot of reasons.

On the plus side, the Ginger Poodle is curled up next to me, snoring.

A bad day...

What I am finding at the moment is that I am the "go-to" person for all of those around me when right now, what I really need is for someone to wrap me up in their arms and make ME feel better. Actually, I'm generally the "go-to" person, but generally I am good at it. Today, I am not good at it.

I want to be a good friend, good Mum, good colleague, good manager, good employee, good daughter, good sister... etc etc etc. But honestly, I just don't have the energy for all of it right now.

I'd settle, at this point in time, to have the good Mum bit wrapped up, but I'm not sure I even have that. I thought, when I decided that separating from H's Father was the right thing to do, that aforementioned Father would be a grown up, that he would accept that having a child meant remaining amicable and friendly, to a point. I was mistaken.

Where I am now? I am a single Mother who has her two year old son every other night, that's right, H alternates between me and his Father - is this wise, who knows? If only someone would write the rules on how to be a good single parent eh? So, not only am I a single Mother, I also have a full time job - and a pretty damn good one at that. Add into the mix a slightly deranged ginger Poodle, a number of relatively mental friends, a mild obsession with going to the gym and losing the "baby" weight, and a couple of guys that, quite honestly, are both turning out to be a waste of time and that leaves me exactly where I am now - too busy to have any real energy or enthusiasm to do any of it well.

On the plus side, H just woke up and got out of bed. It meant I got to go and cuddle him to sleep all over again.