Stupid, stupid, stupid...

If anyone actually ever reads this and/or follows it, you will notice I have removed a lot of posts/parts of posts. Sorry - it probably doesn't scan well or make a lot of sense now. Now I've done it I'm actually feeling like I shouldn't have, for no other reason than it would have made interesting/pathetic reading in time to come and also, would have reminded me why I will NEVER EVER go back.

But this is what is known as cleansing.

I absolutely flat refuse to go into anymore detail, I will not waste my words, other than to say that right now what I feel is hatred. Oh that, and vengeful.

What I wouldn't give for everyone just to know the truth now - mainly those that deserve to know it.

I can't, and not for any misplaced loyalty, which was the reason beforehand, but now it's because I won't take the risk it would be for me personally - when that risk has passed maybe I'll reassess my position on this. I'll always have this hold now, and that is a position of strength. Welcome to knowing the darker side of me.

Who will know the truth, my friends, two already do. I will not have ANYONE hurt my friends.

On the plus side, now I'm fucking angry - it's a damn site better than being upset.

Procrastination...

What I should be doing right now is working, yet I find myself strangely drawn to posting - again. What is with this blog lark, it gets rather addictive. Why do you think that is? I wonder if anyone is actually reading this, if you do, please leave me a comment, I'd be interested to know.

I had a conversation with my boss today about a potential change in job role, it's something that I am quite excited about, there's a strong possibility that nothing will come of it, but you never know.

The only problem I have is that I have a serious ulterior motive for wanting to change jobs. I have spoken to a few very trusted people about this potential change, and one not so trusted person; but given that this will affect him I kinda had to talk to him about it. All of the reasons I have given to those few that I have spoken to remain very true, however I have told no one about my ulterior motive which is probably why I feel compelled to post tonight.

On the plus side, the possibility of this new role is exciting, challenging and I will back to doing what I love, developing people with potential. That's not to say the team I have at the moment don't have potential, just that I have done all I can with them and they don't need me anymore.

Something I found...

I was just doing my normal trick, after I finish posting, of clicking on next blog. I do this to see if anything inspires me, catches my attention, makes me click follow on someone elses work. I found this and it encapsulates how I am feeling this evening about Guy Number 1:

"But I thought when we heard the blues, and smoked on my terrace we were creating memories? Memories that you would miss eventually, maybe?
I have been accused of exaggerating a connection a little bit, only because I tend to get too involved. But are you telling me that those memories we had for over 8 months don't come back to you every now and then?

I don't speak from a lovesick viewpoint. I am talking about a pure connections. About having a good time, with a special friend. It's not too great when what you perceive as special seems a bit evaporated, especially when it seems like you're the only one who holds those memories at a treasured place.

I might not be able to make those memories again, maybe a part of my faith in friendship has gone. But to have some parts cut out with a knife, and not even thrown away, but placed in front of nonchalance, can be a bit hurtful.

Is friendship a figment of my imagination?"

On the plus side, these are not my words so I don't to think of a "plus side" to them.

"Love" interests...

Well it's official, I've whittled the men in my life down to two.

Guy Number 4 - complete wash out, not for me at all. I did say I would introduce you to Guy Number 4 but to be honest, I really can't be bothered to waste my time, and words, on doing so.

Which leaves Guys 2 & 3.

Guy Number 3 is a no go for anything other than a bit of fun, he's getting too attached, far too quickly and I actually had to tell him on Thursday evening that if what he is looking for is a girlfriend then he is looking in the wrong place. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend at this point in time.

Guy Number 2 is a more tricky proposition, he's very nice, particularly pleasing on the eye and all the other great things that I've mentioned in previous posts etc, and for the first time tonight I felt that allusive chemistry, spark, however you want to put it. I went round to his this evening, he cooked me dinner (and he's a bloody good cook as well!!) we watched a film together, cuddled up on the sofa and it was really nice. He's actually just text me because he wanted to let me know that he really likes me - which is always nice to hear. I am beginning to wonder if there might be something real developing here. The same applies to him, I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now, but he's taking it really slow, doesn't appear to have any hidden issues and most importantly, he is a Dad, therefore he understands what it means to be a parent. But is it enough, or is it just another example of the settling, that I so faithfully promised myself I wouldn't do?

The other evening on the way home from work I found myself, for what is probably the first time ever, missing H's Dad. There's no going back, and I wouldn't want to go back, but I have never really allowed myself to grieve the loss of that relationship and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I really don't love him anymore, I know I am not over him. I miss how well he knows me, the humour we always had in our relationship, the banter that we were so good at and most of all, I miss the conversation. There has never been another person in my life that quite matches up to all of that. There was too much missing for it to work out with us, I know that for a fact, but whilst I ended it for the right reasons, I did it in the wrong way. I broke his heart and until I forgive myself for what happened between us, for the choices I made and the ways in which I acted, I can't really move on properly.

On the plus side, tomorrow is a new day and one in which I have a very important conversation planned - one that may change the course of my life.

Appropriate conversation...

At what point did it become appropriate to tell someone you have never met, via text, how horny you are?

And then I get called the bitch for not replying to the text. Some people have some serious issues.

On the plus side, is there a plus side to this story?

Friends...

I'd like to talk about my friends today.

I consider myself extremely fortunate that I have a number of people in my life who I love and who love me in return. Over recent months I have come to realise that this is truly the most important thing you can have. Love, of any kind, supercedes anything else in this life, and if you go through your life being loved, even if it is only by one person then you have suceeded.

So, my friends. I have mentioned before that I have 3 that I would consider "bests".

Friend Number 1
My oldest and dearest friend, the person who at 7 years old came knocking on my door asking if I would like to go to her birthday party. Over our 22 years of friendship we have been through so much together. She is amazing, strong, intelligent, witty, sharp, sarcastic and giving. She has held my hand and had my back through all of the bad stuff in my life and cheered me on and supported me through all of the good. She sets high standards, not just for herself, but for me too. In short she makes me a better person. And when I worry she will judge me for something I have done or am contemplating, she hugs me and tells me that she loves me. This woman, this incredible woman, loves and adores her friends, her family and most of all, her son. It had never occurred to me that she would be such a natural at motherhood, but it's fair to say that she puts me to shame. She is a SAHM with her lovely little boy and she has absolutely and completely blossomed since taking on the hardest job in the world. To see the love that pours from her face when she looks at her son makes me realise that she is, quite possibly, one of the best people that I know.

Friend Number 2
My closest ally in all that I do. The woman who is so like me in so many ways it becomes quite scary at times. She understands me, almost like no one else can understand me because inevitably, whatever we go through, somehow, someway, the other one of us has experienced it already or is going through it too. The strength of character this woman has is immense. She sent me an email recently thanking me for my friendship, she had been through a tough time and I was there for her, as I will always be for the rest of my life, regardless of where time or life takes us. Her email said that it was at times like this that she realised how well I know her, and I do. It was reading that email that I realised that I do know her, as she knows me, and how we will know each other that way for the rest of our lives. She is grieving at the moment, and I want to her know that I understand, I empathise and if I could take it away from her, I would.

Friend Number 3
She has not been part of my life for as long as 1 & 2 have, and I know her through 1 & 2, albeit she is not as close to them anymore. 14 years we have now been friends and she is like a sister to me. Her Mother is like a Mother to me and her Husband is someone I love dearly. The happiness she has in her relationship is incredible and it is something I aspire to. They want children but cannot have them naturally. This is a situation that would drive lesser couples apart but to see them together you can see that it actually drives them closer. I cannot imagine how difficult things must be for her and her husband sometimes, but to know that they will be happy together for the rest of their lives, even if it is just them, must hold some comfort for them. It does for me.

I often liken myself and my friends to the SATC girls, but in doing so I have to wonder, who is who?

Friend Number 1 is easy, she is Charlotte, the homebird whose family means the world to her.
Friend Number 2 is closest to Samantha, the beautiful blonde whose fun comes from male attention.
Friend Number 3 would have to be Miranda, she has her "Steve" and yet remains ever the cynic.
And me, well I guess that leaves Carrie. This is a good match for me, the ultimate single girl who is, at heart, just a hopeless romantic.

On the plus side, Carrie and Mr Big ended up together!

This time baby I'll be bullet proof...

I've come to the conclusion that I will not let myself be hurt again, by anyone. It's time to put my defences back up and re-build the walls that I used to hide so effectively behind.

I will be strong again. No more "mushy" stuff in my life. All it did was open me up to feeling too much.

During the 7 hours that I have spent in my car today I have listened to a lot of music. You'd be forgiven for thinking that I picked either angry chick music or soppy love songs. I picked neither, I just randomly flicked through my iPod and found some release in lyrics that have inspired me.

"Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again...
...this time baby I'll be bulletproof"

"Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

"So now you pour your heart out
You're telling me you're far out
You're not about to lie down for your cause
But you don't pull my strings
'Cos I'm a better man
Moving on to better things"

"Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"

"And I'm a little bit lost without you
This aint a love song this is goodbye"

I am going to get past this, put the thought of anything good coming out of this situation far from my mind and I am saying right now, that I will not do this to myself again.

On the plus side, on Sunday I will introduce you to Guy Number 4.

Bloody men...

Men, grrrr they are driving me nuts - where are all the nice, available, cool, cute guys? I'm an attractive, fun, nice person - all I want is someone who excites me, someone with whom I have chemsitry, someone who I want to spend my time with. Is this too much to ask?

Ok, here's the update on the guys:

Guy number 3 is way too soft for me! He's texting me all the time, wants to cuddle up on the sofa and it's everything I can do to kick him out of my house when he comes round - I need to get rid of him and quickly.

Guy number 2 is still just a bit dull and bit "nice".

On the plus side, I get to see him tomorrow. Is this a plus side? I can't be sure.

The best of times...

I am, without any shadow of a doubt, walking around with this huge smile on my face today. Guy number 3, from now on we'll call him S, came round last night to cook me dinner. I had quite possibly one of the best nights I've had in absolutely ages.

He turned up at my house, with dinner in tow, and a present for H. He was quite early, before H was even home and came with me to pick him up, he then proceeded to spend the evening playing with H...he was clearly not completely comfortable with him but he really made an effort, I was beyond impressed.

We were supposed to have been watching a film after we had eaten dinner but again we wasted the evening away talking (and I use the term wasted very lightly - it was lovely). At half past midnight I decided it was high time we called it a night, but I really didn't want him to leave.

Texts then kept flying backwards and forwards until 2am at which point I went to sleep very contented, which is a first for a while.

The nice thing about all of it? Because this man has been sitting on the periphery of my life and my close circle of friends for years now, he already knows me and I already know him. Not well, and certainly not well enough to make the "getting to know you part" unnecessary, but enough to cut through the crap. Enough to encourage complete open-ness and honesty, enough for me to comfortable to tell him the worst of me as well as the best of me, and what's even better - ever after knowing some of the worst of me, he still likes me.

It's very comfortable and it's a nice place to be in. What's even nicer is that I can't wait to see him again. I haven't felt like this for a long time. I felt similar to this with Guy Number 1, in terms of wanting to see him and spend time with him, but I never felt as though he was being totally genuine with me so this feeling of trust was never there from the start.

We are doing something together on Sunday, I'm really looking forward to it.

On the plus side, today everything is a plus side!

Recovering in more ways than one...

I did mention that I have a lot to say today.

I was just re-reading my last post before my sabbatical, the one about recovery. Having re-read it I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't really about recovering from my operation at all, I think what it actually turned out to be about was recovering from my feelings.

So perhaps a more apt title would have been confused?

Right, firstly I should mention that there are a number of men in my life at the moment, three to be precise that are currently "love" (and I use the term lightly) interests.

I'd like to tell you about them if I may, perhaps by doing this I will unscramble my very messed up mind and make some actual decisions as well as conduct some very real "moving on".

2. The sensible choice

My age, a single dad to a 5 year old daughter and a generally all round good guy. He has taken me out a few times, he is quite the gentleman, waited until the 4th date to kiss me, bought me flowers when I was recovering from the op and essentially behaves how a man should behave. He clearly fancies the pants off of me, pays me constant compliments, contacts me every day without fail and I am confident would happily walk into a future with me. For me, there is just no chemistry. I am enjoying the attention, the dating, but when I see him I do not want to kiss him more than anything else in the world.

3. The new guy

A friend, someone I have sort of known for quite a few years now, but have never been particularly close to. He asked me out 4 years ago when I first started seeing H's father and I said no. He then asked me out again last week when he found out I was single again. I said yes. We went on a date this week and had a really fun time, to the point of missing the film we were supposed to be going to see because we were talking so much in the pub. He's a genuine and nice guy, absolutely and 100%. He makes me laugh, he's very intelligent and I know would be lovely to me. The last thing I want is to mess him around, he deserves someone completely fantastic and lovely, but I don't know if that person could/would be me, mainly because I don't know if there is any real physical attraction on my part. I know that sounds shallow but it is necessary, regardless of what people say. I'd really like to see how things go with this guy, but from what I know of him he jumps in with both feet and falls quickly for girls...I don't want that to happen with me, because I wouldn't want to hurt him. However, I can't help but smile every time I receive a text from him...

I actually think that the honest answer to my ramblings is that none of these men are the one that I am supposed to be with, but the one with the best shot is guy number 3 and I should give him the chance. Be honest with him from the outset, tell him how it is and if it doesn't go anywhere then I have done nothing wrong and if it does, all the better.

As for guy number 2, the jury is still out, maybe the chemistry will build, maybe it won't. Do I keep it going or call it a day now?

On the plus side, yesterday, today and tomorrow, I have a date every night, each with a different guy - I told ya I was having fun whilst looking for the one!

Today, I have a lot to say...

Having been offline for a number of days I have found myself missing this outlet. I have found myself wanting to write, wanting to put down into words what has been going on in my life and I haven't been able to. Perhaps I should revert back to old fashioned ways and keep a paperbased diary. It's strange, I'm not sure why I don't and why in fact, I choose to share what I am thinking at any given point in time, here, with anyone that could read it. And the conclusion that I reach? That I like the idea that anyone or no one could be reading my thoughts, my ramblings and I will never know. So, more than a week has gone by since I last had the chance to post, therefore today, I have a lot to say.

I'm going to start with stealing the work of a friend whose blog I follow. She asked herself some questions in a recent post and they got me to thinking, what would my answers be to those question. So, having thought about them for the last fews days, I'm going to try and answer them - and I say try, because actually, I don't think these questions will be all that easy to answer.

1. What do you love?

• My son. With all of my heart and all that I am I absolutely adore H. What I feel for him is more than I could even begin to put into words. If you have children (and I mean that in a completely non-condescending way to anyone that doesn't have children) you will understand what I mean. If you do not have children you will say you understand it, but truly you don't. There is nothing more powerful than the love a mother has for her child, it wasn't until he came into being that I realised what it was to absolutely and unselfishly love, wholeheartedly love, another person.
• My dog. The small ginger Poodle that has been part of my life and shared my bed every single day for the last 5 years. The average lifespan of a small Poodle is 17 years, that means that he should be part of my family until H is 14 years old - it terrifies me that when, inevitably, we lose this ginger fur ball, H is going to be even more devastated than I will be, because every day for his whole life H will have loved that damn dog!
• My job. For all that it brings to my life. The challenge, the rewards, the people. I love my job almost as much as I love and feel proud of the company that I work for.
• My house. The first place in 12 years that has felt like my home. There is still work to do, after a year in the place I still don't have curtains in my lounge, but undoubtedly it is home, mine and H's.
• My friends. The absolute and best group of people I could ever hope to know. There are three of them that I consider to be my "bests" and they, in all of their individual and quirky ways, are amazing and bring something so special to my life. I have known them for in excess of 20 years and for better or worse, they know me inside out and they still love me.
• My family. All of them irrevocably but most especially my sister, who over recent months has moved back from being just an older sister, to also being a best friend. Someone I can rely on, trust and confide in without judgement or fear. Someone whose company I enjoy more than most others.
• My bottom. The one part of my body that I do not have hangups about and do not hate. It's curvy, it's pert and I grew it all myself!!
• The sun. When the sun is shining and the weather is warm I want to be outside, enjoying the fresh air and letting the great outdoors move me to a better, happier, place.
• Tulips, Lillies and Gerbera's. My three favourite flowers. Lillies because they smell amazing and Tulips and Gerbera's because they are such simple and happy flowers.
• Music. Of all kinds. If ever there is music playing, inevitably I am a happier person.
• Books. Of the trashy chick lit kind. Or of fantasy worlds designed for teenagers that draw vivid pictures of wizards or vampires. Anything, essentially, that allows me to lose myself, absolutely and completely, in the world of someone else - but only where there world is, in the end, better than the one we live in.
• People. Somehow, someway, despite all of the crap that has hit me in my life, I still manage everyday to see the very best in people. To assume the best of people and to genuinely believe that until proven wrong, people are, at their core, good.
• Commas. My use of them is, beyond doubt, excessive!

2. What do you hate?

• Rudeness. Good manners and polite behaviour cost nothing and there is very little on this planet that drives me more wild than those that are just plain rude.
• Selfishness. Everyone is, I am, you are and so is everyone you know. What matters is how often you let that shine through and how often you push it back and think of someone else as being just slightly, for that moment, more important. I was faced recently with a situation where I had to choose between being really selfish and telling the truth to someone, or actually selfless and overlooking the truth. To me, that is something of a contradiction right there, but it was how it was and I chose not to tell that person the truth, because the truth would have hurt them more.
• Liars. They get found out. I do not lie, to all intents and purposes I am an honest person. If you ask my opinion you will get the truth, if you engage in conversation you will see who I am and if you ask me to lie for you 9 times out of 10 you will be told no. This is why the situation mentioned above was actually very difficult for me. As was the situation that had been ongoing that caused the above situation to occur.
• People that mess me around. If you want to be part of my life, be part of it, if you don't then tell me. Do not waste my time, mess me around and hurt me in the process.
• Negativity. It breeds.

3. What are you passionate about?

• Love. I am passionate about love, about not settling and about believing in the dream of something that is so great, I absolutely and cannot live without it in my life. I haven't found it yet, and at nearly 30 I am questioning if I will, but trust me when I tell you, I am having fun looking!
• Life. You have just one of them, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't actually last that long. Live it. Do not wish it away, do not wish for it to be different, do not wish for you to be different. Accept what you have and what you are, or change things.
• My son. What he will be and the person he will become. How I will help to shape that and what our relationship will be as he grows.

4. What do you really want?

• Absolute and complete happiness for H. I want for all of his dreams to be realised.
• Absolute and complete happiness for me. It wouldn't take much, all I want is a partner in the truest sense of the word, an equal, someone who challenges me, drives me to be better, keeps me on my toes and knows when to put his foot down. I want someone with whom there is so much chemistry we can't keep our hands off of each other and I want to be sickeningly in love. So actually, there is not a lot I really want!

5. What are two decisions you made in the past that have positively shaped your life? How did they change your life for the better? What finally got you to decide?
Decision 1: Deciding to have H. He was most certainly unplanned and out of the blue. His father didn't want me to have him at the beginning and I think that really shaped a lot of our future together, my trust in him dimished at a time when it couldn't really afford to and ultimately we fell apart.
I knew as soon as I knew I was pregnant, which was actually a little while before everyone thought that I knew, that I would be, to quote Madge, keeping my baby. It wasn't really a decision that I made, as much as one that was made for me, especially since 10 years previously I had chosen in the other direction.
How has that decision shaped my life? It hasn't shaped it so much as completely and utterly turned it upside down and changed it forever. I am now, and forever will be for as long as I live, a Mother. This means that I am no longer the most important person in my life and my health, wellbeing, welfare and happiness do not come above all else any longer. This means that regardless of how tired I am or how sick I feel if my son cries in the night it is my job, my responsibility and my pleasure to go to him and cuddle him until he falls back into a peaceful sleep. This means that I have made a person, a person who will grow into a man and in his own way, be it big or small, shape the world he lives in. This means I am proud, every damn day of my life.
Decision 2: The jury is still out on that one.

6. What are two new decisions that you are committed to making now, and how will they powerfully improve your life forever?
Decision 1: I will not settle. I will find someone who encompasses everything I want from a partner and if I do not I will spend the rest of my life having fun whilst looking. I will not settle, I will believe that I am worth it and that I deserve it. If I believe this then I will find it.
Decision 2: I will be a better person. Every day I will strive to be a better person than the day before. I will strive to be a better Mother and I will strive to be a better friend. I will be there for those that love me and/or need me and I will be trustworthy.

There. I told you I had a lot to say today!

But on the plus side, if you managed to get this far, you have found out more about me than most.